Our culture suffers from stress, lack of affection, depression, addiction and heart-dis-ease. It makes me sad. I am one of them. That’s how I got into investigating, exploring and sharing.
The purpose of this article is to gain a little more clarity about one’s own mind, feelings and behavior in less analytical and more compassionate explorative way. A secret desire can give us valuable information, if only we knew… Do you know how many people are hooked to alcohol, drugs, work, TV, over-eating, under-eating, adrenalin-junkies etc. etc. just because they are not aware and therefor not able to fulfill their physical, mental and emotional needs? If only we knew…
“Secret desire” can refer to unconscious, often (judged as ) shameful needs or desires that arise in certain situations and can sometimes lead to inappropriate or destructive behavior that leads to suffering. Something we don’t want to want but do want and don’t allow us to notice. Unconscious, simply not aware of what is going on. We are driven by a set of shoulds and shouldn’t that are not even our own choice, musts and ideas that make life miserable. Fear of this, fear of that, starting with money and financial survival, via emotional fears from childhood that drive our behavior as if we sat on the passenger’s seat.
A pile of shit is actually a pile of gold
Just for now, I invite you to do a fictive experiment and see what changes in your perception of what is: No longer judge into good and bad for a few days. Instead, only distinguish between what you decide to choose and what not. E.g. Bad taste => not your choice. That takes a lot of pushing, pulling and pressure away. It’s bad to be late =>You choose to be on time.
Secret desire can occur in different areas of life, such as sexuality, power, control or addiction. The person may be unaware of these desires or repress them as they may feel inappropriate or embarrassed. If the secret desire is not acknowledged or dealt with, it can lead to unhealthy behaviours that can affect one’s own life or the lives of others. Sometimes all life long, nagging, screaming, or numbing…
What do you need?
Working with secret desire is often used in Coaching or psychotherapy to help the client recognise, accept and integrate these needs in a constructive way to live a healthier and more fulfilling life. It is most common to suppress needs, e.g. emotional needs at some point early in life to “survive”. Everybody got “a thing” and some don’t know how to handle it… Totally normal. No, not everybody needs a pro to get to know him or herself better. A sense of curiosity about one’s own inner world and functioning is helpful. When you hear yourself say “I’ve always been like that” – become curious and start exploring, there is gold to be found…
Check out the same Harris app called Waking Up, if you are curious! Check out the same Harris app called Waking Up, if you are curious!
How to find out your needs
How do you recognise needs that have been repressed, such as secret lust or need for touch or need for communication?
Recognising repressed needs, such as secret lust, often requires conscious reflection and introspection. Here are some steps that can help to recognise repressed needs:
Paying attention to inner sensations: Being mindful of physical sensations, such as tension, discomfort or anxiety, can provide clues to repressed needs. Since most of us are trained to prioritize functioning over sensing and feeling in our society this faculty can become weak like an unused muscle. We still feel, but we have developed strategies to numb the feeling.
Reflect on inappropriate behaviours: Uncontrollable or compulsive behaviours may indicate repressed needs.
Consider personal fantasies and dreams: Fantasies and dreams can give us clues to hidden needs and desires. I remember reoccurring dreams over years and years…
Looking at past experiences: Past experiences, especially in childhood, can give us clues about what needs have been repressed.
- My narrative “Headless Chicken” – is about 3 months living with shamans in the Amazon rainforest, 19 Ayahuasca ceremonies and those old childhood stories that created a false perception of reality.
- The purpose of this book is to share experiences and make aware of the fact that how we interpret reality depends on those mental patterns, that have been imprinted “naturally” by growing up in a certain environment with certain habits and genes. Withheld truths, white lies, sexual or emotional abuse, neglect, people talking behind one’s back or bullying have an effect on you: it can create false ideas, fears, and never expressed pains that linger in the basement until you clear out and free yourself. Until then, you interpret the world with the old software and identify with “I’ve always been like that”.
- Does Ayahuasca fix all the addictions, neurosis, childhood wounds and their consequences? I don’t give you an answer. I suggest to reflect for yourself what really matters to you, beyond the concept should and shouldn’t.
Ozark Mountain Publishers did an interview on YouTube about the book.
You can seek outside help: A therapist or coach can help uncover repressed needs and find ways to meet them. When you notice that similar situations reoccurring over the years in in many different ways – leaving you numb, isolated in a bubble or bottle, outside help can help reveal and change those old no longer useful survival-strategy patterns that hold you back.
It is important to emphasise that working on repressed needs is a complex process that requires time and patience. First of all, it requires a strong will and the humility to acknowledge feeling weak. A positive attitude, self-compassion and openness to change can be helpful in recognising and accepting these needs.
Sometimes a „perfect timing“ happens, when you are either tired of suffering or just can’t continue living like you did. That’s when things break down, you break out, destroy or feel destroyed and you clearly feel ready to invest into exploring some more about yourself.
Obviously, life is a life-long process, not a destination. Healing old wounds from childhood or patterns that have been forwarded to us through generations and cultures, is a natural process too, not a fight. You might call it evolution as well. It’s exciting to learn and discover some more, free yourself and the following generations from useless patterns and possibly use the extra energy for something creative, useful and fun…
Coaching to Feel Good Now
BTW: Feeling “good” is not a feeling. Here, I refer to a state of contentment, inner peace with what is – beyond judgement into good and bad
Thanks ❤️for your attention, interest in healing and self-care!!!
The world doesn’t need poor victims, selfish manipulators or people with helper-syndromes but people who are “in their power” to bring in their essential gifts.
Please Share with your friends and colleagues !
If you have any questions, get in touch!
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